From Confusion to Clarity: My Journey to Faith
Early Years: Embracing Faith in a Confined World
I was baptized Catholic and grew up in the Catholic Church. I went to ccd or religious class every Wednesday in middle school and most of high school. I went through first communion and was also confirmed. Now, I always believed in God as to me that’s what made sense. But my faith to finding God wasn’t always straight and narrow. Even though I grew up Catholic I became a Christian and was rebaptized as a Christian in January 2022. You may be asking why did I get baptized again? Well, let me tell you why and how I got there. I’m still learning every day but maybe my story can help you on your journey and if not, thanks for stopping by.
Faith in the Shadows: Confronting Childhood Fears
When I was in 6th grade, I had a ccd teacher tell us how to pray which I still do today, but she also told us if we don’t pray and believe then the devil will take over our body. I seriously wonder if I was the only one listening to this. I was scared! And when I say scared that is an understatement. From then on I wore my crucifix, got Mother Mary necklaces and saints necklaces because I was so terrified and that’s what Catholic people did. I was so fearful from that point on that at night it was hard to sleep as I was convinced the D would take over me if I didn’t pray. Now that isn’t the way to find God, I highly don’t recommend it. But nonetheless that’s what happened to me.
As a little girl for as long as I can remember I have always dreamed very vividly and remember most of my dreams and I still do to this day. I’m telling you this part about me because I have wrestled with the presence of evil more times than I can count while dreaming. I always wondered if it was because of that teacher in ccd, I may never know why. Some family and friends have sound advice on asking God for guidance in my dreams and I have and most of the time that does work. I’ve asked for dreams to be removed but they come back.
Anyway, I grappled with evil since then. I’ve in-countered sleep paralysis where many believe this is a demonic presence not allowing you to move or to wake up. I have seen spirits or ghosts while falling asleep and heard other voices in my dreams that were not mine ie in my head speaking to me. Not pleasant.
College Years: Embracing Diversity, Challenging Beliefs
I went off to college and my whole world opened to a diverse group of people from all over the world of different races and religious backgrounds. I grew up rather sheltered from small town Iowa where everyone knew everyone and their business too. So going to college was invigorating and exciting to me. I felt freedom and had no idea some things even existed. We only had a few years since the internet was invented, yes, I’m dating myself here, but the internet opens your world to so many different things. In college I dated a guy who was an atheist. I had no idea people didn’t even believe and that was even a thing! I wrestled with the idea of that, but I still knew in my heart I believed in God. In my dreams I was still being tested.
Struggling with Beliefs: A College Student’s Journey
I recall going home from college on Christmas break that year and my mom wanted me to go to church. She came in and said let’s get ready for church and I remember telling her I don’t know if I even believe anymore. Now this wasn’t fully true, in my heart I did, a good part of me really just wanted to sleep. What I was not believing was the Catholic faith and how that is set up. But I felt so guilty that I even spoke these words out loud to her and I’m sure it crushed her. She has always been so supportive and nonjudgmental of all my choices. She and my dad both are the silent watchers if you will. They are the types that my brother and I joke that they didn’t care but in fact they cared so much they let us figure things out on our own. Being a parent that is one of the hardest things to do is to just wait it out and watch but to be ready to catch them if they fail and they always did. They never said I told you so and for that I’m truly blessed.
Moving on, that didn’t last long for me I still believed but didn’t know where to turn to turn to some good friends in college that went to church, but these mega churches made me scared, and I didn’t want to go at it alone and was too shy to ask a friend who was already attending one to tag along. That is a regret of mine but that is life, and this is my journey. Growing up Catholic is rather stifling. They almost program you to believe any other way or religion or belief is wrong and theirs is right no matter what. I would say my encounter with people over the years with family exceptions are many of the Catholic faith are quite judgmental. Regardless of if I attended church or not, I continued to pray. And when I say pray, what I mean is from what I stated earlier 1. Confession 2. Petition 3. Intercession 4. Thanksgiving 5. Praise. I would end this prayer with 10 Our Fathers and 10 Hail Mary’s. Many nights during this long-drawn-out process I would fall asleep while doing this. I don’t mean “long-drawn-out process” to be negative per say but I have to say the Our Fathers and the Hail Mary’s were a bit much, it was like my confession of sins and doing those was me being absolved from those sins is why I implemented it in the first place, again 6th grade mind here that started this habit.
Post-College Exploration: Seeking God Amidst Transitions
After college I moved to northeast Illinois for my job and continued this prayer journey and still had yet to find a church. When I met my husband, and we got married I knew I wanted God to be present and my husband had a good friend that had been a monk and agreed to perform the ceremony. After I became pregnant with our first, one fateful night I had a dream and I felt in my bones I met Jesus. His eyes were the most beautiful things I’ve ever laid eyes on. He had this aurora about him, a presence but what threw me off was what was happening in this dream. I had dreamt that we were at war and losing a battle. We were in these mud huts in the middle of nowhere and he came in and said you must leave, all of you. I must take care of this now but do not look back. So, we all left and ran towards a mountain and this mountain wasn’t like any other mountain but was a mountain of bones and skulls and climbing it was rather difficult as they would fall with each step up. But we all continued to climb. I woke up shortly after and I decided we must go to church. It is a sign. I need to find a church. I had heard from a friend that really liked The Chapel so we went that morning and it was, different. Neither my husband nor myself had ever been to a church like this. They played music like a concert, everyone was very friendly and it was so laid back I couldn’t believe that this was even real. We left there and both said we liked it, but this may take some getting used to. We went back a few more times after that then moved to Wisconsin just across the border and fell out of church going.
A Desperate Quest for Purpose: Dabbling in New Age
We had some friends mention Journey Church a few times but that one seemed even bigger than The Chapel. The thought stayed on hold. A few years later I kept having this nagging feeling that there is more to what my life is or what I can offer, and I went down a journey of prayer and meditation. I was desperate for my purpose which led me into what I know now as New Age. For those of you unfamiliar with the term New Age it is a wider belief system that incorporates elements from Eastern religions, mysticism, that everyone is “god” bc we all come from “source”. It includes ideas like manifestation, healing modalities using crystals, mind, body and spirit are connected and using tarot cards, astrology and numerology as well as seeking psychics. It is more of a spiritual nature of religion than believing in God. The concept was very foreign to me and I didn’t buy into everything but I was so desperate in finding my purpose and somehow becoming closer to God and Jesus that I was willing to try anything.
Awakening to the Truth: Escaping the Spiritual Trap
Even though my intentions were in the right spot I was going about it all wrong. I started to meditate daily and would see a bright light in my mind’s eye and each time it would happen I would get scared and lose it. I thought I was opening doors to God but in fact I was opening my soul to other unknowns and entering unknown territory that I didn’t fully understand. I came across a lady on Instagram who said she connected to what she called “source”. This “source” person claimed to be above God. I didn’t buy that bit but was intrigued on the meditation part of it so, I decided to do one of her meditations and instead I didn’t say source I said God. I didn’t think it worked but that day I took a nap with my youngest and as I was drifting off to sleep, I had somehow tuned into a sound that was not of this world. I had heard angels singing and it was the most beautiful song I’ve ever heard and next thing you know I’m singing this song as well; I knew the words, and this is what woke me up. I woke up in this weird body experience and I remembered everything and couldn’t believe what had just happened. I thought wow, did I just tap into heaven or some other dimension or what?! I messaged the lady I had done the meditation on, and she said that is what some experience and so I was what you could say hooked. I wanted this experience again and over the next year I did most of her meditations, I took a workshop, I got reiki certified and thought this is it, this is what I need to do to become closer to God. I even did a Delores Cannon hypnosis from a local lady which thankfully didn’t work how it was supposed to. Supposedly I was supposed to tap into past lives. I wasn’t sure I believed in that fully but my dreams I had been having had me thinking otherwise. I believe Jesus was protecting me at this time as being hypnotized you are very vulnerable, and I listened back to the recording I wasn’t sure whose voice that was. It was mine and I could feel the lightness and pulling me back to the physical. It was an odd experience.
This path of spiritualism I was on was a game of constant seeking and never getting the answer I’m looking for. I was in this vicious cycle of not feeling fulfilled and wasn’t getting my “purpose” figured out and thought I must need to do more and did another ladies audios and that was giving me different insights to things as well and had a few more tapped in songs but never of heavenly music. I was even seeing sequence of “angel” numbers and hearing ringing in my ears and all of these people that I was following stated, oh this is a good sign! This means you are transcending into 5D earth and more continued nonsense. I came across another group of people that believes in Galactic Aliens and whatever nonsense crap and bought that guys book. I laugh at it now of course but I did it. I did a tapping session with some people on a health channel and this lady mentioned she did an herbal drink to tap into their gifts. Now I thought that’s what I need. I thought yes, I will get this drink or do mushrooms or whatever it is to get more answers. It was a seek and never a find at this point.
I was losing who I was and then one day someone I follow on IG shared a story about a lady whose story was sounding all too like mine and the things she tried and did. She tried the herbal drink and the mushrooms and what she found on the other side isn’t something I thought a person could see. She encountered demons and other false gods, she was doing physic readings for people and making all of this money but in fact she wasn’t talking to spirits, she was talking to demons on the other side. The thing many people do not understand is the spirit realm if you will sees and knows everything about us. They are present always, our physical eyes can’t see them but they know more about you and I then we do ourselves and these demons want what we have, they want a physical body and do whatever they can to us in the living to bring us over to the other side. I learned so much from this girl and I’m so beyond thankful for God bringing her to me when He did. For her she had a visit from Jesus for a whole month, she could see Him because of the drugs she was taking and she too realized this dangerous path she was headed down was New Age. A path that is led to be spiritual but the only aspect is, is it steals your soul. There is nothing spiritual about it from a God sense. Instead, it’s borderline witchcraft or idolizing false gods etc. The Bible is very clear on these things, which I had never read and had I, I would have known better! SMF Once I heard her story I was like holy crap!!! This is me! And I fell for the spiritual trap. But she made me realize this trap and pulled me out of it!! I couldn’t believe what I had done and the time I wasted and the very next day I started to read the Bible.
Biblical Awakening: Rediscovering the Truth
Once I started to read His word, my mind was blown. I had grown up Catholic, been confirmed and not once knew the thing I had been doing was in actual reality a sin. Same goes for all the statues in my church. Idols. Ugh. I was hooked on the Bible and felt so shameful about the choices I had made. I just wanted to seek Him but instead of seeking Him in the most obvious place I was seeking Him through others by blindly trusting them and what they were saying. But the answers were always there, in black and white, clear as day in that little book that has been sitting on my shelf for decades. After reading the Bible for 4 months I decided I need to cleanse my soul and get baptized again. And due to the fact, I grew up Catholic but knew very little about what the Bible actually said, I wanted to be part of a Bible based church. We started to go to Journey Church and yes at first it felt odd and foreign to me but now it feels like home. I got re-baptized and I’m proud to say I’m a Christian and I believe in God. I had two amazing and supportive friends throughout that journey of seeking my purpose, New Age and being baptized. These two girls are some of the truest souls a person could have in her life and I’m beyond thankful for them. They never judged me through the process I went through but instead prayed for me and I'm so grateful for their prayers!
Spiritual Battles: Overcoming Challenges After Baptism
For a long time after I started reading the Bible, I had many spiritual attacks in my dreams and ringing in my ears and had to spend a lot of time breaking those cycles. I would pray to God, if this isn’t from your please remove it and the ringing would stop. I would have ringing in my ears up to 10x a day. I had thought at first it was tetanus but after I started to pray on this, and it immediately went away I knew otherwise. I don’t believe in coincidences. I did a lot of asking for forgiveness and praying over what I had done over the past year and the choices I had made.
Continuing the Journey: Lessons Learned and Future Pursuits
I believe this was a journey that I had to take to fully come around to what I truly needed – a clear, black-and-white answer. It wasn’t straight and narrow for me, but it was my journey and it brought me to where I am today. As I continue reading the Bible and learning more each day, I realize that the path to faith is an ongoing process. I haven’t reached the end of my story and I look forward to diving into study sessions in the future. The lessons I have learned along the way has helped give me discernment, it has allowed me to see through the veil of deception and recognize that we are in a spiritual battle. We are all being tested daily. Life after the veil thins showing these truths isn’t always easy. It requires us to navigate a world filled with challenges. This battle is particularly focused on our children, infiltrating through various forms such as TV programs, cartoons, movies, social media, in our schools etc. As parents it is responsibility to protect our children and to broaden our awareness before it’s too late. Living in fear isn’t an option for disciples and believers in God and Jesus Christ. Instead, we are called to spread awareness, and act with courage. I hope that sharing my story can help you and others on your own journeys, providing encouragement and strength as well as to seek God in your life. Remember, you’re not alone.
